


Because I'm Stupid

by Eny



Category: GOT7
Genre: Angst, Friendship/Love, Jaebum likes squishing Jinyoung's thigh, Jinyoung loves Jaebum's scent, M/M, Mentions of like lunch dates, Thigh touchies, Unrequited Love, Weddings, and cuddling, cuddling on couches, im sorry, pillows
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-25
Updated: 2017-01-25
Packaged: 2018-09-19 18:56:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9456089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eny/pseuds/Eny
Summary: Jinyoung loves Jaebum so much... Maybe too much...





	

**Author's Note:**

> Promise to listen to [This Song](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=xjMiEjiUF9o) when you finish reading? 
> 
> I'll leave a link on the end notes... 
> 
> Please just watch the video, listen to the song. You won't regret it

He wasn't going to cry.

He promised himself he wouldn't cry.

He's had months to prepare himself for today, _the day_. He should have cried then, during those months of wait, not now. But, of course, he _had_ cried then.

He's been crying ever since he heard the news.

Flowers shifted softly in the breeze. White. Everything was white. Pillars that held up the tenting cloth, shading everyone from the sun. Tables covered with light pastries and snacks, and centerpieces filled with flowers. Beautiful and white. Of course they were beautiful, he picked them. They picked them together...

Looking forward, he could see the alter, at the end of the long white carpet, stretching from the entrance. Standing there was a model, or a man who could be one. His face was strong, but looking closer, it showed busy nerves. Today was a big day.

His suit was gorgeous, different from the usual. Pure white, like everything else. It was beautiful. White and beautiful. But of course it would be beautiful, he helped pick it. They picked it together. Side by side. Like it should be...

He couldn't do this.

The love of his life looked over to him, catching his eyes and smiling, lifting his eyebrows and showing gums, showing his nervous glee. He tried to smile back, but couldn't. It was too hard.

He was standing against one of the pillars, shoes in the grass. Outside. They always dreamed it would be outside...

Suddenly, the murmurings quieted. The soft music began, and people started to stand.

He couldn't do this.

The music stepped on his soul, spit on his face and beat him down. He stayed standing, but his heart felt the pain.

And there she was. Her short, beautiful dress flowing as she walked down the aisle, as she walked to the alter, to the love of his life. The clear, clean spring breeze fluttered around her, and she was lovely.

Slowly, she made her way to the waiting man. He wished it took longer.

With an innocent smile, a happy, pure smile, she looked up at the love of his life. He wanted to burn the smile off her face. She didn't know what she was doing to him, but of course she wouldn't. _Nobody knew_.

They at the alter pronounced their promises to one another, vowing to love each other till the end of time, giving themselves to each other for the rest of forever. They said their words with such conviction, such devotion, he could see guests wiping their faces dry. With a kiss, the applause began. With a smile to the crowd, they kissed again.

He couldn't do this.

He stayed around until it was over, until the hard part was over. Until they finished their vows and sealed it. After seeing their lips meet, filled with love, adoration... He couldn't take it. As soon as they stepped down to accept the congratulations, he was gone.

He couldn't do this.

They were best friends. They had been best friends since forever, from the moment they met. He and Jaebum had been together, inserparable... or... in his mind at least.

Jinyoung had been alone. He had always been alone. He loved people, he loved talking and spending time with others, but he couldn't, nobody seemed to want him. So he became lonely.

Jaebum was lonely, too. Or, at least, that's what Jaebum had told him. He had lied. Jaebum had friends. So, so many friends.

When they met, Jinyoung wasn't alone anymore. Jaebum let him tag along, let Jinyoung close to him, and soon told Jinyoung that they were best friends, that Jinyoung was his best friend. It had been the happiest day of Jinyoung's life, but he still found the idea so hard to believe. Nobody had ever wanted to be his best friend before. What made Jaebum different?

When Jinyoung told Jaebum his feelings, Jaebum made a point to show Jinyoung how special he was to him. He reassured him every time he felt doubtful, even if Jinyoung hadn't said anything about it.

And Jinyoung fell in love.

Jaebum told Jinyoung that he could always trust him, so Jinyoung gave Jaebum his faith. He told Jinyoung that he could always count of him, and Jinyoung believed him.

Jinyoung knew he was only being nice, but Jinyoung was also a very greedy man.

After high school, they moved in together. They got themselves a decent apartment and Jinyoung knew he wanted to be with Jaebum for the rest of his life.

They fit together perfectly. There was nothing Jaebum needed, Jinyoung was always there. There was nothing Jinyoung needed either, Jaebum was always there too.

They became powerful together, from the little things. The little things that became Jinyoung's oxygen. Because of Jaebum, every day was a perfect day. Jinyoung could never ask for more.  
  
He would always wake up to the smell of coffee, and would walk out to the kitchen and see Jaebum, see his wide shoulders and groggy expression and even though Jinyoung saw it every day, his heart fluttered. He would turn on the television to their favorite morning channel and join Jaebum and they would sit at the table and eat together before getting ready and Jinyoung loved it so much.

They would get into Jaebum's car and Jaebum would drive him to school. The smile he gave through the window in place of a goodbye... Jinyoung wouldn't trade it for the world.

Jaebum would pick him up at lunch time and would take him out to eat, letting him choose, and sometimes surprising Jinyoung with new places he'd only heard of. They would eat and talk about nothing and Jaebum would drop him back off and they would go back to their regular lives.

The drive home was always Jinyoung's favorite part of the day. Just the two of them, so close, with nothing but each other. They wouldn't listen to the radio, they wouldn't even turn it on. Jaebum's hand would find its special place on Jinyoung's thigh and they would talk, tell each other about their days, share new stories. Jaebum's hand would squeeze as his words went on, and Jinyoung's chest would fill. It was unbelievable. He was so lucky.

When they got home, they would fall into their own little routines, but end up together again at the end of the day. They would end up on the couch sometimes, reading a new novel to each other. Jaebum seemed to love Jinyoung's hair, and while Jinyoung read aloud, Jaebum would pull his head onto his lap and run his fingers through his hair. Jinyoung's heart would never stop beating in his ears. Jaebum would often read, too, and Jinyoung got to have the privilege to card his fingers through Jaebum's hair, got to have Jaebum's head on his lap, got to hear Jaebum read him straight to the clouds.

Other times, they would watch movies. They would lean against each other and order take out and just watch. Jaebum's favorite kind of films were pointless comedies, while Jinyoung was a fan of drama and beauty. They always seemed to make things work. They would always seem to pick a movie that was just right for the two of them, and if they didn't, they would talk over the sound, laughing the night away.

Spending his days with Jaebum, from an outside perspective, could seem boring, dull. Everyday would seemed to be just like the last. But honestly, even if they were, Jinyoung would love them. Being with Jaebum was enough to make him love anything. Sitting on the couch, feeling Jaebum so close... he wanted it to be like that forever. He wanted to stay like that with Jaebum forever.

Because Jaebum was the love of his life.

It didn't matter that they never touched, that they never kissed. Jaebum never invited him into his bed, they never made love.

Taking advantage of the time they were together, Jinyoung found a way to make it up to himself.

He knew Jaebum didn't love him, but he didn't care. He would love Jaebum with his entire heart, his entire being, until there was nothing of him left.

When she came along, everything fell into place. Everything was perfect.

_Jaebum was happy_.

Jaebum had a reason to wake up in the morning, had a reason to brush his teeth and bother with his hair. Jaebum would put on his best clothes and her favorite earrings.

He would take her out, would start to leave the apartment more, would finally stop just slobbing around everyday. He took their relationship seriously, like he should, and tried so hard to be better, for her. He went out of his way to please her, and protect her. Jaebum was finally in love, and it was perfect.

And Jinyoung was happy.

Jaebum didn't make them coffee anymore. Jaebum didn't drop him off at school anymore, didn't take him to lunch.

And Jinyoung would take the bus home at night.

When he got to their apartment, the rooms would be quiet, and Jinyoung would wait for Jaebum to come.

The first time he waited for Jaebum, he woke up cold, shivering. It had been morning already, but their home was quiet still.

Jaebum hadn't come back that night.

After a sleepless week, Jinyoung's chipped heart told him to stop waiting. It didn't matter anymore. Jaebum wouldn't return.

But Jinyoung was a stubborn man. He didn't listen. He never listened.

So now, he waited. He waited all night, every night, for Jaebum to come. With a book, one Jaebum had bought for them to read, Jinyoung would sit, facing the door. He was always ready for the lock to click, and for his love to walk in.

Jinyoung would stare at the door, every night, and his mind would wander. He would always find himself imagining what Jaebum must be doing... what Jaebum and she must be doing...

Jinyoung would either pass out, or stay up for hours, crying in the darkness of their empty home.

Jaebum never found out.

There were many things Jaebum would never find out.

As he leaned against the cool railing, looking at the pink clouds, he knew.

He knew he would die alone.

He had been alone before Jaebum. Now that Jaebum was gone, he would be alone once more.

It was simple.

"Jinyoung." A sweet, heavenly voice cut. Jaebum never called him by his nickname anymore, the nickname Jaebum had chosen himself.

Jinyoung turned his head to look at the man, breath halting in his throat momentarily, freezing at the sight.

Jaebum was beautiful.

The orange sun's setting light spilled, hitting Jinyoung's back and making the man in front of him glow, making Jaebum stand out against the dark sky surrounding them. His sharp features took Jinyoung's breath away, and Jinyoung wished he could look at Jaebum like this forever, wished he could take a picture and save it in his heart until the end of time.

Instead, he made himself forget, made himself snap out of his pitiful dreaming, and he spoke.

"What's up, Jaebummie?" He met Jaebum's eye and grinned. His own eyes hadn't smiled in months. Jaebum hadn't seemed to notice yet.

"What are you doing out here? Everyone's inside."

"There's too many people." He said as he laughed lamely, as though he was telling the truth.

Jaebum sighed and took his hand. Jinyoung would have burned at the touch, his chest would have swelled with the warmth Jaebum always had given. But, this time, nothing happened.

The cool piece of metal around Jaebum's finger seared Jinyoung's skin. He felt nothing but the endless breeze tugging at his near hollow body, telling him to just give himself up to it, to allow its breath to embrace him. Of course he shook it away. There was no more of himself to give away. Everything belonged to Jaebum _._

"Come, we're about to take pictures." His words were so smooth, so full of love. Jinyoung wished it was for him.

He hadn't seen that content expression on Jaebum's face for the longest time, what seemed like forever ago.

Back when it was just the two of them. Back when they laid with each other on their couch, in their favorite position, a book open and a blanket covering them. Back when Jinyoung would look up at him with a young smile and when Jaebum returned it with the softest eyes, with the slightest curl on his lips.

Now, Jinyoung saw it again, as Jaebum looked at her.

The man behind the camera counted down and she rest her head on Jaebum's shoulder, the spot Jinyoung thought had been his.

He couldn't do this.

He laid in Jaebum's bed, stripped of the suit, stripped of everything except Jaebum's favorite sweater, the sweater Jinyoung had gotten him for Christmas all those years ago. He knew Jaebum would be gone for the rest of the week, so he let himself lay there, alone once again.

The pillow filled with his favorite scent was stained now. He couldn't stop his tears. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't stop crying. It was ugly, disgusting. His sobs were watery and loud and he couldn't stop them.

Everything he had was gone. Everything he lived for had been taken. He knew this day was coming. He knew from the day she and Jaebum lifted their hands to show off their beautiful rings.

Jaebum never told him that he wanted to marry her. Jaebum let him hope. Then Jaebum _shattered_ him.

Now here he was, wailing into Jaebum's pillow like it would fix him.

His heart was among the dust now. In a million shards. It was never going to be fixed. He could never be fixed.

He had given his life to Jaebum. He had given _everything_ to Jaebum. Jaebum was the only one who mattered. Jinyoung was completely, utterly, unhealthily _dependent_ on Jaebum, and Jaebum _abandoned_ him. Jaebum left him on the cold ground, left him stranded, with nothing, and he _couldn't_ handle it.

Without Jaebum, he couldn't handle anything.

His shaking hand reached to the table next to Jaebum's bed and grabbed at the picture he should have thrown away.

Jaebum was so beautiful.

He choked on his tears and his eyes blurred. He ripped the picture. Ripping down the middle, where she stood.

His hands shook harder than they ever had as he slid the pieces together again. He stood next to Jaebum now, his revolting excuse of a smile next to Jaebum's perfection. Only in his dreams would it be like this, would Jaebum stand next to him like this.

He wanted to throw the picture to the ground, wanted to rip it up, crumple it, burn it.

With an unsteady breath, he carefully set it back to where it was before. He couldn't ruin it more than it already was. He couldn't ruin this more than it already was. He couldn't ruin himself more than he already was.

This was his fault. It was all his fault. It was his fault he fell in love with Jaebum and it was his fault he let Jaebum leave. If he had only said something... if he had only told him...

But he didn't.

He had a chance, he could have had a chance. Now, everything was gone. There was nothing he could do anymore.

He woke up in the morning with a dry throat and an empty chest.

His feet were cold as he walked through the chilled air, to the kitchen. He turned on the stove, starting to make coffee for one. He knew he couldn't make it as well as Jaebum could... but...

Jaebum...

 

He couldn't feel anything. His vision quickly blurred and a hot feeling shot through his body and the next thing he knew, the sound of glass shattering entered his ears.

He steadied and looked around.

The mirror...

The mirror they had bought together. They had spent more than half an hour deciding on it. They knew that they would have to look at it everyday... and they had been right. Once they brought it home, they used it every morning, fixing their hair, looking at each other with smiling faces as they got ready to leave for the day.

And Jinyoung had just broken it.

Shards covered the area around it and the kettle had overturned and water was spilling everywhere and Jinyoung crumbled to the ground.

He was so stupid. He was so fucking stupid.

His eyes flooded and he needed to clean this up, he needed to fix this.

He crawled to the broken memory and reached for the kettle, mind wandering to the past, back when it was better. Jinyoung had wanted a simple coffee maker, but Jaebum insisted to make everything by hand. They had gone to the store, Jinyoung begrudgingly, and looked at the small array. The first one Jaebum picked up was a dark blue, and Jinyoung remembered how he just scoffed and picked up a regular silver one. They had played a short game of rock paper scissors, but ended up buying neither.

Their white kettle had a dent on the side now. It burned Jinyoung when he touched it.

He couldn't stop thinking about Jaebum. Sure, it wasn't unusual for him to always think about Jaebum, but now every time he thought about his love... he thought about her too. He thought of... of what they probably did the night before. What he could never do with Jaebum.

The entire living room was destroyed.

He was against the wall, looking at his mess. There was shattered glass everywhere, scattered books and papers and pillows... just about anything Jinyoung could reach was thrown and broken... everything was ruined.

His hands were cut and his feet were probably bleeding, but he didn't care. He didn't care that he had ripped pictures off the wall, that he had smashed their lamp to the ground... he couldn't bring himself to care... he couldn't feel anything...

He could never give Jaebum what he wanted... what he _needed_. He could never satisfy Jaebum, never do what _she_ could. He could never even come close to what she could do. He was worthless. 

_Completely worthless_. 

His head was against his reddened, blemished, blood stained knees when Mark and Jackson arrived.

Jackson had yelled his name, running over as Mark's expression turned to one of horror.

"Don't tell Jaebum."

He was begging, voice cracked and tears spilling and they tried to pick him up. He faught them. They were trying to speak but he wasn't listening, he just kept on saying it over and over and over and over. Don't tell Jaebum. Don't tell Jaebum. _Don't tell Jaebum._

They got him to his room and Jackson went to get the first aid kit and Jinyoung was sobbing again. At least he had Mark's chest to cry onto.

"How did you burn yourself?" Jackson asked as he cleaned Jinyoung's hands, holding onto them tenderly. Jinyoung didn't deserve it. He didn't deserve Mark's hand in his hair, didn't deserve Jackson's gentle touch. They should have just left him in his misery.

"I broke the mirror." It made sense in his mind. Jackson didn't ask about it after that.

Once his cuts were cleaned and his breathing back to normal, they took him to the living room and cleared the couch so he could sit. He watched them clean his mess the best they could and he didn't deserve this.

"Jinyoung, stop apologizing." Jackson said and gently took Jinyoung's hand in his own. He had to apologize though. This was all his fault. Everything was his fault. He broke their things. He broke _Jaebum's_ things. He couldn't control himself and he ruined everything. He didn't deserve this, he didn't deserve them cleaning up his mess. It was all his fault. It was all his fault. It was all his fault. It was all-

"Jinyoung." Mark interrupted, both him and Jackson were on the verge of tears. He had been mumbling to himself.

"What happened to you?"

He didn't want to answer.

They laid with him on the couch after everything salvageable was put back. And the only thing missing was Jaebum. But he was gone.

There was still some glass on the floor, and the lamp stayed, on its side, in pieces. The books he had thrown were in a makeshift pile, and the rest of his mess sat on a chair in the kitchen, or in the overflowing trashcan.

"I'm sorry." He whispered, breaking the silence they had built over the past minutes.

Mark's hand held his and Jackson placed his hand on Jinyoung's thigh. Jinyoung didn't want it there. That was Jaebum's... that was Jaebum's spot.

He ignored Jackson's expression when he shook it off.

"Jinyoung-"

"I'm so sorry-"

"Jinyoung."

Jinyoung shut his mouth and looked at the ceiling. He couldn't bring himself to look at their friends.

How could he let this happen.

"Let what happen, Jinyoung?"

He had to stop thinking out loud. He was so stupid.

"I wish I could just die."

"Jinyoung don't say that-"

"There's nothing to live for anymore. It would be easier. It would make everything just... better."

Mark's grip tightened and Jinyoung glanced at him. Jackson grabbed onto him, onto his arm, and Jinyoung turned his head.

What was there left to lose? If they rejected him, they would leave and he would cry. If they didn't reject him, they couldn't do anything about it and he would cry.

"I'm in love with him."

It was the first time the words had ever left his mouth. They felt so right.

He was so stupid.

Jackson's face changed from concern and curiousity to realization... realization and blind anger. Mark's grip faltered and Jinyoung knew they didn't like the news.

"I know. I know. I'm dumb, I'm stupid, I'm an idiot. I should have sucked it up. I should have tried to fucking move on... but... oh god. I just... I love him so much..." Jinyoung was crying again. He was so emotional. He was so fucking pathetic.

"I've been in love with him for so- so long. I-I know he doesn't care about me but- but it hurts so much... why does it h- hurt so much? He's... o-oh god... He's n-never loved me. He's never going to love me god I'm so fucking stupid. He- he's going to live with her... he's already practically living with her... I wait... I've been waiting every d-day every fucking night I waited for him every n-night but he never comes back... He doesn't c-care about me anymore. H-he's forgotten about me, he's moved on and now I'm just h-here, w-waiting for him to remem-remember. I k-knew that he hated me, that he didn't care about me... but I c-couldn't accept it and n-now he's going to leave f-forever. He's going to have a family and s-stupid kids with her and not me and he-he'll love her for the rest of his life and n-never me, he'll never love me. I'm just going to die w-waiting for him t-to come back and he's never going to come back I'm so stupid I'm so stupid I'm so-"

He was hyperventilating, his words were uneven, he needed to calm down, but he couldn't. The tears were flowing and he was choking again and he couldn't stop, he couldn't handle it.

He was bent over, his stomach clenching as though he was about to retch. He couldn't think. He couldn't breath. _He couldn't handle this_.

Mark's arms were around him now and Jackson was rubbing his back and all he could do was cry out, yelling into their empty home, screaming for Jaebum to come back.

Even if Mark and Jackson tried their best, there was nothing they could do. There was nothing they could say that would make it better. He needed Jaebum, Jaebum would know what to do. Jaebum always knew what to do.

Jaebum had promised to always be there for him. Jaebum said time after time that he would never leave him, that he would be by Jinyoung's side forever. Where was he? Jinyoung needed him, but he wasn't there. Had he lied? Had he just been lying the entire time? Did Jinyoung mean so little to him? This entire time, everything that they did together, everything they went through... Jinyoung knew he was just being nice... he knew it... he always knew... but... it was so hard... it was so hard to actually... actually... believe... it...

Jaebum wasn't there. Jaebum was never going to be there for him. Jaebum was a liar.

Jinyoung couldn't help but yearn for him still. Even if Jaebum was a liar, Jinyoung still loved him. He couldn't stop. He was in too deep. He'd gone too far. His entire life had depended on Jaebum, and now he would suffer for it.

The love of his life, his light, his reason to go on... Jaebum... Jaebum was gone. He was gone and he was never going to come back. No matter how much he cried, no matter how much he kicked and screamed, Jaebum wouldn't come back to him, because Jaebum was never his.

Jinyoung passed out in Mark and Jackson's arms, broken and once more, completely alone.

 

**Author's Note:**

> [Because I'm Stupid by SS501](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=xjMiEjiUF9o)
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> This is actually a birthday gift for the most adorable Jackson stan! Carol, I've waited months to finally post this. I hope you like it <3 (DID YOU WATCH THE VIDEO!?)


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